All-Time Favourite Radio Announcements

"For the person who stole my wood from outside my house, bring it back right now, I won't even look outside my window..."
"If anyone sees Albert Meekis around, send him home right away"
"If you see Geordie Anishinabie, send him home"---Minda Anishinabie
"If you see Seikkora, send her home"---Grandparents (everyday)
"Bring the truck home right away, I need to go to Bingo."
"Kennedy, your Kookum said for you to come chop her wood."
"Kalookie (karaoke) machine for lent"---David Day
"There's no sky today!" and "Estaah!"---Nick Day
"Gidigoo, gidigoo, gidigoo!"---Espit Crowe (Around the Boss Here)
"If you love your dog, tie it up!"
"Is there public skating?" and "Is there a dance?"---Madeline Kakegamic
"Rummage sale, 5 people!"---Sarah Kakepetum
"I'm hungry, someone feed me!" and "I got to go to Winnipeg."---Espit Crowe
"I need a holiday, someone drive me to Red Lake"---Espit Crowe
"Wake up day (welfare) today!"
If you're not listening to your radio, turn it on."
"30 and 10 plus toonie pot tonight."
"Hang up your phone, I'm trying to call you!"
"I breathe when I talk, Sah-keh-n"---Espit Crowe
"Ooops, I'm sorry"---Sarah Kakepetum (voice of the North)
"This song goes out to private name from private number!"
"This song goes out to my kee-moo-ch from you know who"
"The plane will be landing at 3:00, all pasengers be at the Airport by 3:30"
"2 by 4, wash the floor at the Northern Store!"---Jee-bah-qwan
That song was called "Send me the Pirrow"---David Day
THE CLASSIC:  "I'm sorry, I got laid (late) this morning"---David Day

Indian Technology

Three Sandy Lake Indians, Rod, Kenny, and Jerome, were sitting naked in a sauna.  Suddenly, there was a beeping sound.  Rod pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped.  The others looked at him questioningly.  "That was my pager," Rod said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."  A few minutes later a phone rang.  Kenny lifted his palm to his ear.  When he finished he explained, "That was my cell phone.  I have a micro-chip in my hand.  Jerome, felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he (being such a Jerome), had to do something just as impressive.  He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.  He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.  Rod and Kenny raised their eyebrows and stared at him.  Then Jerome finally said... "Hey, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!"

Nishnawbe Trades

This old guy from Sandy Lake wanted a loan for $500. He approach the bank in Sioux Lookout. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take moccasins and furs to Thunder Bay and sell it," said the old man.
"What have you got for collateral?" asked the banker, going strictly by the book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have an Elan."
The banker shook his head, Do you have anything else?"
"Yes, I have a big TV."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; the snare wire is worn out anyways."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old guy was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" asked the banker.
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old guy leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"


The Hitchhiker 

Jerome was driving on the winter road to get his truck serviced in Red Lake when he runs out of gas a couple of kilometres from town (between Balmer & Red).  So he parked his truck on the side of the road, bundles up and starts walking figuring he'd hitch a ride from the next vehicle that came by.  It was a very dark night and the snow storm was picking up.  The night was passing and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped.  Jerome, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and then realized that there wasn't anybody behind the wheel!  The car moves very slowly.  He looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.

Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.  He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.  Jerome, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.  Jerome, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the Snake Pit in town.

Cold, frost bitten, and in shock he goes into the bar, asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.  A silence enveloped when everybody realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two blonde ladies walk in the same bar and one says to the other, "Look, that's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"


You Know You're A Sandy Lake Indian When...

You point with your lips.
You drink coffee before you go to sleep.
You owe money to at least four people.
Your primary language is broken English.
You wake up in the wee hours of the morning yelling "BINGO!"
You say "use to" rather than "used to".
There was a time when you used to keemoochly look at the underwear section of the Sears catalogue (sometimes you still do...)
You know how to make a homemade slingshot (rubber cleaning gloves and branches).
You learn anything about everything on the radio.
When somebody falls down, you laugh first, then ask if they're okay.
Most of the knowledge you've gained about the world abroad comes from watching Sesame Street.
Your local mechanic's garage is his front yard.
Such a small community, you're on a first name basis with the entire NAPS crew.
You know your dialect so well and can usually tell what rez another Indian is from based upon their speech and facial features.
One of the main words in your vocabulary is "eeee".
You know people by their nicknames and sometimes forget their "real" names.
You can entertain yourself with a flyswatter.
You think a hangnail is where you hang your jacket.
You're scared of midgets.
You use wooden pallets as your doorsteps.
You remember making homemade ice cream with snow, carnation milk and sugar.
You remember when you were the Boogie Wheel Cart Champion.
You know what happens if you wear your rubber boots on the wrong side.
You remember wanting to be the first one to eat the peanut on the Squirrel peanut butter.
You lock your door with a knife.
You have a name for every John on the rez. (eg. Ginocki-John, Indian John, Tiger John, John-ess, Maska John, etc.)
You have more than one broken vehicle in front of your house.
You burn your grass instead of mowing it.
When ketchup is low, you put a little bit of water in the bottle and shake it up.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table in the summer.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You've stolen wood from somebody at one time or another.
When you haven't seen a friend in a long time, you ask "When are you leaving?" instead of "How long are you staying?"
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
You save your milk jugs.
You think wrestling is real.
You have more than one donut tire on your vehicle.
You measure a man's wealth by the amount of wood outside his house.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass the school bus on the road.
"Vacation" means going to Winnipeg for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who've run over a dog more than once.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at community events.
You think of the major food groups as : moose meat, fish, klik, and bologna.
You carry booster cables in your car and your girlfriend, wife, or keemooch knows how to use them.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You've used the sole of a rubber boot as a door hinge.
You spend at least 1 hour a day at the Northern.
You know of 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
You automatically assume anyone wearing military clothing is a Jalimun.
You use a screwdriver to start up your car.
You have reserved seating at the Bingo hall.
You've had you're axe stolen.
You've gone through stuff at a rummage sale and recognized an item that you sold at another rummage sale.  You buy it back anyway.
You hang a blanket over the door in the winter time.
You mix carnation milk and water for your cereal.
You use snare wire to improve your radio reception.
You see all of your relatives at the Northern on the 20th of each month.
Vicks is up there with penicillin, Tylenol 3, and weekenzh as a cure-all.
Your grandma raised you.
You remember when the Sears catalogue kept you occupied for hours and hours with your brothers and sisters.
You use a rag for a gas cap.
Your ski-doo runs better with no hood.
Your ski-doo belt sometimes doubles as a door knob.
You warm your house in the morning by turning your oven on and leaving the door open.
When you've run out of matches, you ignite a paper from your toaster then run to the stove to light the fire
You eat your breakfast cereal from empty margarine bowls.
Your tupperware consists of lard tubs and ice cream buckets.
You put coffee whitener in your tea and it doesn't dissolve but you drink it anyway.
You drink your tea from an empty peanut butter jar.